my fat life

November 2, 2012

Wow..how life has flown by me...I remember just yesterday it felt like I was in my room dreaming of all my movie star crushes and NKOTB music...Now at 38 years old I have made a decision in my life to put my health first...I have always been a Fat girl. Since I was 5 years old...my overweight self is all I can remember...It defiantly not easy growing up...Lots of cruel words were said...teased...made fun of. yes people can hurt you with their words...but still kids are cruel..Over the years I've learned to accept myself weight and all..I have been bigger and I have been smaller...but its truly hard when you go through life being overweight...well how come you didn't diet or exercise..haha yah I've done that...all of that...for me nothing really helped..I would lose and I would gain...I think in my mid twenties I avoid scales at all costs, as I didn't want to be faced with the truth of how overweight I truly was...I can only assume myself at my biggest...but the heaviest I ever saw with my own eyes was 309 pounds..now for my short 5'2 self that is pretty big...But I think at a pretty young age I did tell myself that if people didn't like me cause I was Fat..then that is their problem..my weight has nothing to do with my personality my faithfulness as a friend...I am who I am because of the life I had to deal with..and I'm a pretty happy person. I truly love myself...I love being a fat girl as crazy as that sounds..do I think I have held myself back from things of course...do I think that men dont always take overweight women seriously YES I DO...I have experienced that immature men in the clubs/schools where ever..and why men why when their is a group of you together do you always have to yell out "Hey, you?" and once we turn around...you always point to a friend in your group and say "He likes you" and giggle like little girls...so fucking immature...its amazing how many times I have gotten that...and I just wanna punch the guy in the mouth....But nothing urks my noodle more than you SKINNY BITCHES...always looking in the mirror or with your cute lil outfit from Rave or your skinny bitches clothing store always asking Do I look Fat? OMG stop that shit immediately please..before I stuff a damn cheeseburger down your mouth...No your not fat..I'm fat..I have seen the looks that some people give us Fat people...the discussed look...I have experienced on an airplane..yes i know Im big..that is why I get the very last seat by the damn window..and believe me I try not to let my fat leg touch you...it just happens to cause yes Im a fat girl...but I think the saddest place was on the city bus...it wasn't even that crowded and so many people would move themselves to the asile seat so I wouldnt sit next to them..its like wow really I'm not going to eat you. But family also can be cruel to. Not so much in my adult life but when i was younger and a teen ager...So now I move on to my life choice now..I have decided I'm getting the Gastric Bypass done...I started last year getting serious with it...made the appointments talk to my doctor and started to slowly change my eating habits...and I am now proud to say I have lost about 40 pounds with just smaller portions and eliminating sodas. and I have kept it off. but now as my journey is becoming a reality...and in a very short 17 days I will be under going major surgery.. and yes besides being excited I'm afraid out of my mind...I've cried a few nights...I have never had major surgery before so this is taking a toll of my stress levels...All I can do at this point is putting myself in God's Hands cause I know he will take are of me